


Franks and Beans

by Uakari



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Dick Jokes, F/M, Humor, I'm Going to Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 13:38:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uakari/pseuds/Uakari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanji wants help naming her titans.  Levi is reticent to provide it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Franks and Beans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nimbus_Cloud](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nimbus_Cloud/gifts), [Bottan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bottan/gifts).



> This is all Nimbus_Cloud's fault. Also, Bottan is an enabler and most of the, er, _name_ provided herein are her suggestions. Thank you darlings~

“No. Fuck off. I am not helping you with this.”

“But-”

“No,” Levi pulls a hide-bound notebook from the bedside table. There’s no real purpose to this – he’s not going to pretend that he can understand any of the scribblings inside (or even _read_ most of them – her handwriting is every bit as slovenly and chaotic as that over-stuffed, bumbling brain of hers) – but he likes the idea of having something solid in his hands to focus on. And smack her with, if necessary.

“They need names, Levi,” Hanji continues to whine, “I can’t have a conversation with something without a name.”

“You can’t have a conversation with an animal,” he scoffs and flips through the notebook, “Didn’t you write that down in here?”

“I wrote down that the last ones couldn’t talk,” she huffs at him and reaches for the notebook. He bats her fingers away with it. “That doesn’t mean that these ones won’t be able to. Ilse Langnar-”

He smacks her over the head with the notebook. “Ilse Langnar has nothing to do with this.”

“She has everything to do with it!” She snatches the book back from him and leafs through the pages, “Look! If I can communicate with them-”

She’s holding open a page that can best be described as “illegible” and pointing at a scribble that is probably holds all the secrets of the universe, if only he could decipher it. “What is that?” he sighs, giving in.

“It’s a drawing of Albert’s windpipe after we cut his head off-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Levi snorts, kicking her (mostly) playfully toward the edge of the bed, “Get that the hell out of here.”

“We didn’t figure out then if he had vocal chords,” she continues sadly, completely ignoring the cold feet digging their way into her side.

“How the hell not? You were right there!”

“Well,” she mumbles, “We cut a bit too deep and-” Her voice cracks and she snaps the notebook closed.

_Goddammit._

“I know,” he says. He pulls the book away from her and sets it back on the bedside table, wraps an arm around her shoulders. “It’s hard to draw when you can’t see through the steam they’re letting off-”

“Hey!” She struggles to land a hit on him, but he pins her arms to the mattress before she manages to find any decent leverage. 

“Plus all the water drops smudge the pencil-” He coughs dramatically as her knee catches him in the gut. “This is why I’m saying you shouldn’t name them. They’re not fucking dogs. You’re fucking up the food chain here – humans shouldn’t keep big ass carnivores as pets.”

“Shouldn’t, should, blah, blah, blah,” she sticks out her tongue, “You’d be dead ten times over without things I’ve learned from them-”

“Oh, I know,” Levi says seriously, relaxing his hold on her arms, “Which is why you should keep experimenting.” She cocks her head around to stare at him mistrustfully. “Just stop giving them names.”

She wriggles out from his grasp and rolls to pin him beneath her. “If you’re not going to help, then I’m just going to call them whatever I want.”

“Why didn’t you just do that from the beginning?” He tries to pull his wrist free and receives a raspberry to his belly for his efforts.

“I didn’t think you’d appreciate them being called Beastus Maximus.”

“H-hey-” 

She readjusts her grip, holding both of his wrists above his head in one hand and squeezing his hips between her thighs. She pokes a finger into his belly. “Or Beastus Minimus, as current evidence might suggest.”

“No,” he barks, possibly a bit more emphatically than means to.

She tickles her fingers down his side, sending his obliques into a twitchy, spasmic frenzy that leaves his breath catching in his throat in a most indelicate way. “How about Chubby?”

“I can’t help but notice,” he forces out between laughs that are _definitely not_ happening, “That these all have the same theme.” He tights his abdomen and stares her straight in the eyes. 

“Beefy McManstick?”

“Fuck off.”

She redoubles her efforts, poking her fingers into his belly and sides and grazing the roughened tips of her thumbs over his stupidly fucking sensitive skin. He refuses to cave in, to laugh, splutter, _whatever_ it is that she wants him to do. He’ll piss the bed before he gives her the satisfaction.

Unfortunately, it’s probably this very stubbornness that keeps her going.

“Tiny the Titan?” she proposes, eyes gleaming.

“I told you never to call it that,” he growls, “And you-”

“Okay, okay,” she nods patronizingly, “Lance Corporal Fun?”

“No,” he spits, “ _Hell_ no. He got promoted.”

“He did,” she kisses the tip of his nose, “From Captain Drooly, if I remember correctly.”

“Thought he ranked higher,” Levi grumbles. 

“No,” she grins back at him, “You just wanted to call me a Fun Sucker. You didn’t care so much about rank.”

He rolls his eyes and kicks his head back into the mattress. “Maybe he just needs to prove himself,” he says, hoping that maybe a bit of carefully targeted distraction might spare him from an evening full of piss poor euphemisms. He grinds his hips up hopefully.

“Maybe,” she agrees, “And maybe he’ll get the chance to, if you help me pick a name.” She settles herself down directly on his crotch and grins. “How about Jack – like Jack and Beanstalk?”

“I think you’ve got that backwards. Jack wasn’t the giant-”

“Or David.”

“Again, you mean Goliath.”

“Well, someone certainly has a high opinion of himself.”

“What the fuck are you even on about now?” He’s pretty sure he can feel whatever tiny bit of excitement her shifting hips might have been stirring up dying a slow and painful death.

“Maybe Levi XXI?”

 _Now there’s a new one. And one that casts him in a less…diminutive role. Except-_ “Shouldn’t that be XXL?” he asks.

“Oh no,” she says very seriously, “XXI. Twenty one.”

“Do I fucking want to know?”

“Count your digits. Fingers and toes.”

“Get the fuck out of my bed.”

“No,” she pouts, “It’s comfy.” She slides her cold fingers back up the hem of his shirt to prove this. “And warm.”

“Why don’t you just call them Frank and Beans? That should get the point you’re trying to make across, right?”

“Oh that’s so tacky,” she scoffs, “And not at all subtle.”

He stares at her and lies still, slowly sinking into a choking cloud of irony.

“Ok fine,” she relents, “We’ll sleep on it.”

“ _You’ll_ sleep on it,” he corrects.

She sighs and rolls off him, stretching her legs down toward the end of the bed to hook the blankets. “Does that mean you’re not going to sleep with me?” she pouts. She pulls the blankets up and over their shoulders and wedges herself firmly against his side. A hand slips beneath the waist of his shorts. “Or did you want to do something else?”

“Yes, now that you’ve teased me this long, I’m sure sleep will come easily and immediately,” he drones.

“You could just ask, like a normal person,” she chides. She’s already rolling the pad of her thumb across the head of his cock, though, and doesn’t seem to need the encouragement. The blood rushes back to his groin – titan names be damned – and he hums happily. “Typical,” she snorts. She slips beneath the blankets and crawls over him, breath hot and heavy on his skin, and whispers words that will haunt him for weeks to come.

“Awww, hello there Sonny! It’s been awhile!”


End file.
